I was chatting with a fellow blogger this week when she happened to comment that I have never been known to blog about personal relationships.
I thought about this for a little while and realised she might have a point. And also that you, my lovely readers, are missing out BIG time because I am an awesome source of wisdom when it comes to relationships. It’s hardly surprising because I am a truly terrible awesome girlfriend.
Ask anyone.
Not anyone I’ve dated, obviously. But anyone else.
I have loads of gems of wisdom when it comes to relationships. For example:
- Using Facetime is a wonderful way to connect with your significant other when you’re far apart. But bedtime Facetime is a Bad Idea. Someone snoring next to you is annoying. Someone snoring where you can’t even
kicknudge them is a whole new world of infuriating. - Sexual compatibility is important in life. Obviously. But not nearly so important as finding someone who doesn’t mind you warming your cold feet on their legs during the winter. If you find one of those, hang on for grim life – they’re a keeper.
- You should always, always tell your partner what you want for Christmas. Dropping hints results in jewellery from Tiffany & Co, and Mulberry gloves. Not telling them results in a) hair dryers b) dressing gowns and c) slow cookers. I know it’s the thought that counts, but some thoughts count for more than others, frankly.
- Dancing should only happen when both parties have consumed alcohol. Everyone thinks they’re an awesome dancer after they’ve had a few drinks. If one of you remains sober, and discovers the terrible truth (either you dance like your Grandma when she’s trying to be “modern”, or like your three-year-old doing aTweenies dance) your relationship could be irreparably damaged.
- When going out for dinner, avoid restaurants with tablecloths. The risk of accidentally catching the tablecloth on your belt, standing up and pulling all the food, crockery and glasswear over yourself is just too high. This has never happened to me, incidentally. Also, don’t wear hairspray at restaurants where there are candles. Just a tip.
- Some surprises are important, and keep a relationship fresh. But waiting outside someone’s house in the dark makes you look like a stalker. This once happened to me. I now have a heart condition. Draw your own conclusions.
- Gazing at someone while they’re asleep is only romantic if you’re Ryan Gosling. On anyone else, it looks like you’re a serial killer.
- Pet names are a really lovely, fun thing that can improve your relationship with a PET. They may also be acceptable to Southerners. In the North, however, the only acceptable nickname is one that’s vaguely insulting such as “gitford” or “monkey-back”.
- Never communicate with your partner via your Facebook page. You think it’s cute and romantic. All your friends are wondering how they can unfriend you without your noticing.
- In the early days of a relationship don’t bother trying to hack into your beloved’s email or mobile phone. A quick glance at their Spotify account will tell you all you need to know – Simply Red? Run for the hills.
So there you have it. Ten solid gold relationship tips. I know. You’re welcome. It’s a wonder I’m not an agony aunt, or something.
*cough*
