I love a good Christmas movie – which is precisely why I don’t love Love, Actually.
*pause for shocked intake of breath*
I know, I know. Everyone loves Love, Actually. Because it’s got all our favourite British actors in, and there’s that cute kid, and Liam Neeson and Mr Darcy Colin Firth… it’s lovely, innit?
Well, yes. It’s lovely except for pretty much every single character in the movie.
Peter, Juliet and Mark
First of all, Peter sucks. He sucks because he wears that stupid purple suit. And because he doesn’t even GET OFF THE SOFA when a group of carolers knock on the door of the adorable mews cottage he shares with his brand new wife. “Oh, Christmas carols? You get it love, I’ll just finish watching Masterchef.”Â
Mark sucks because in what world is it even a little bit okay to basically go to your best friend’s wife and say, “I love you but I know you’re not into me, but look at my romantic cue cards anyway, so basically it’s your loss.”Â
Just FYI, it’s not “enough” to turn up on your best friend’s doorstep and throw a grenade in the middle of his newlywed bliss. It’s a lack of boundaries at best, creepy stalking at worst. Oh but so long as you’re “telling the truth” it’s okay, right? Ugh. What sort of Christmas movie is this?
Just FYI, not saying anything and keeping an infatuation to yourself? That’s okay, too.
But Juliet – who in every other way appears devoid of personality – kisses him. So now you and your best friend’s wife have a shady secret that would crush him if he knew about it. Awesome work, guys. *SO* festive.
Also that scene where the kids titter at the painting of giant boobs and Mark mutters, “It’s art, ACTUALLY,” makes me want to punch things.
David
Any Christmas movie (or film basically) where Natalie is legitimately described as “chubby” and nobody says, “That’s ridiculous,” cannot be redeemed. If Martine McCutcheon in this film is “fat”, then I’m officially now one of those giant inflatable airships.
Also I struggle with the fact that the PM reassigns Natalie after she is sexually harassed in the workplace and never thinks to consult with her over redirecting her entire career, or even mention that it’s not her fault. Tool.
Jamie and Aurelia
“Shall we have a conversation and get to know each other? Like a date?”Â
“Nah, let’s just get married.”Â
This Love, Actually storyline makes no sense. They’re getting MARRIED when they’ve never had a conversation? That’s not romantic, it’s a bloody personality disorder.
Imagine – your friend is cheated on, goes on holiday and comes home a month later with some dude who doesn’t speak English and says, “We’re engaged!” You’d check them into a facility to have their head checked, wouldn’t you?
Harry
I’m not going to lie. I had to Google it to remember what Alan Rickman’s character was called in Love, Actually. Because all you ever think while you’re watching it is, “God, I wish I was as cool as Alan Rickman.” Or possibly: “Yeah, I still would.”Â
Despite this, Harry is a total tool. He isn’t tricked by his junior employee – he sees her seduction plan coming a mile off, and doesn’t move out of the way. He’s a dirtbag. Karen (his wife) should clearly leave his ass and set up with her best friend Liam Neeson.
Finally, that conversation Harry has with Laura Linney about why she should have get over herself already and have sex with Hot Karl? Total HR armageddon, just waiting to happen. Talking of which…
Hot Karl
I know Hot Karl is basically eye candy and functions exceptionally well in that regard, but I have two issues with Hot Karl that help make Love Actually the worst Christmas movie, like, EVER.
First, what amazing issue has stopped him from asking out the girl he likes at work for years on end? Wuss.
Second, what sort of guy finally gets together with the girl he likes from work, makes it to the bedroom, starts to get naked, and then PUTS HIS SHIRT BACK ON when she leaves the room for 20 seconds to make a phone call.
And then – when she has to leave for a family obligation – he’s like, “Oh well, that’s any hope of a relationship over, then.” Seriously? Like you can’t have a conversation about her family obligations and how a relationship might accommodate those? Idiot. Hot Karl sucks.
Colin
I fast-forward through this part of Love Actually, it’s so bad. A Christmas movie that laughs at national stereotypes and presents simple male wish fulfilment? How festive. Not.
Like hahahahahaha Americans are stupid. Hahahahaha British people are so charming. Hahahaha let’s have an orgy like it’s totally mainstream. Haha… oh wait, no. It’s not funny.
This whole storyline feels stupid, and lazy. And as if it was added in because, “Hey, everyone loved him in those BT ads and we need to ensure the movie appeals to as many demographics as possible.”Â
Is it just me?
Case proved: Love, Actually is the worst Christmas movie of all time.
Disagree with me? Love Actually is playing on Sky Movies this Christmas. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.  (I receive free Sky TV services for the purpose of sharing occasional reviews.)
From a fellow giant inflatable airship (blimp I believe is the technical term) – I agree that Martine is in no way chubby. But I do think you’re looking a bit too much into it, I’d quite like to see a similar analysis on the acceptability and realism of Santa Claus the Movie. I kind of think that Christmas films are there to be chirpy, happy nonsense 🙂
Nat.x
But everyone knows Santa Claus the Movie isn’t a patch on The Santa Clause.
This has made me howl. I’m never going to see the film in the same light again!
You’re welcome 🙂
I came over here to disagree with you (wise move? No?) what with this being one of my favourite Christmas films but you’re right, the characters are idiots, it’s all a bit airy-fairy and I didn’t realise before just how self-centered they all are!
Anyway, I still love it but this did make me giggle and I’ll probably pick it apart myself now the next time I see it, haha!
Don’t worry you can disagree. It’s enough for me to know next time you watch it, you’ll be thinking,”Yeah, Peter’s suit is a silly colour.” 😉
I love this movie but hate it too because I went to school with Kiera Knightley and can’t watch her in anything. I completely get your points though – and agree. I think i just love it for the soundtrack… That’s even worse isn’t it!?
Yes. Yes it is.
ooh I have to know was she nice???????
I find it hard to get past the fact that Peter, even if totally immersed in the tv, fails to spot that the “carol singers” aren’t a bunch of out-of-tune local amateurs shuffling in embarrassment and then singing unaccompanied, but a seriously professional group on a dvd, with full orchestral accompaniment.
There’s also some really clunky over-done script about the Nativity play which poor old Emma Thompson has to say (“How many lobsters WERE there at the birth of Jesus?”)
I do enjoy watching it though… Sorry… I like the way the lives all intertwine – “everybody has a story” right?
Oh naturally we still watch it EVERY year, don’t we?
I can’t look at you right now!
I think it’s the only film I can tolerate Hugh Grant in and I love Bill Nighy and his manager. I do want to punch the one who seduces her boss though!
I watch it for the Joni Mitchell moment and because I am a sucker for anything remotely Christmas… Yes even Bad Santa and my god that is an awful film.
And its so not a family movie with the porn star bits and I forget this and cue jump in front of the TV screming dont look!
lol this has made my day. I will not watch this in the same light again. I am not a fan of this movie to be honest. x
OMG I thought I was the only one who didn’t really ‘get’ this film! It’s just so damned cheesy … mmm, cheese. The only redeeming feature is being able to look at Andrew Lincoln’s face.
Finally!!! Someone who hates that film as much as me!!!! Thanks, I feel normal now 🙂
I’ll take National Lampoon over Love, Actually anyday…..
Wow thought I was the only one! Don’t really get it either. Having said that, Emma Thompson is outstanding in it and I will sit through the whole shebang just for her heart breaking bedroom scene which is a masterclass.
I. Have. Never, Watched. This. Movie. Perhaps now I never will.