Things I have learned this Summer.

Apparently, some twonk in government thinks summer holidays should be shorter, so kids don’t slip back in their ‘learning’.

Nonsense.

Summer is always educational in our house. And not just for Flea. I’ve learned some very useful life lessons this summer. For example:

• When staying in a mobile home, you may be tempted to quickly change from t-shirt and shorts to swimsuit in the lounge (with the curtains closed). If you do this, be sure to tell your child not to cheerfully throw open the door if a male, 20-something rep knocks on it.
• Don’t let your child watch Pitch Perfect on her tablet to keep her entertained on a flight. Because she will OBVIOUSLY quote it against you. For example, an elderly lady might chat to your child on the plane and mention that her legs are tired and your 7-year-old might smile angelically and say, “Well, at least it isn’t HERPES” at the top of her voice.
• If travelling by ferry early in the morning, don’t get into the queue to board the ferry then momentarily close your eyes. Because you’ll awake with a start, 20 minutes later, to find your car battery is flat, and you have to let EVERY other car board ahead of you while the ferry staff find a truck to give you a jump start.

• When enjoying a quiet child-free few days at home, if your ex-husband and your mother arrive at the front door, don’t shove a new friend into the back garden so he can sneak out to his car without checking first to see if the garden gate (6 feet high) is padlocked. The upside is that some men really are surprisingly agile.
• When going down a fast water slide at a water park, cross EVERYTHING, not just your fingers. I’m not going into details but I will just say “internal injuries” and tell you it was hours before Flea stopped asking awkward questions.
• Don’t tell your colleagues when you’re being filmed by a religious programme’s camera crew at your desk because they will invariably send you pictures of cats doing unspeakable things to one another.

We hope your summer is proceeding in a manner every bit as dignified as ours.