I love a good Christmas movie – which is precisely why I don’t love Love, Actually.
*pause for shocked intake of breath*
I know, I know. Everyone loves Love, Actually. Because it’s got all our favourite British actors in, and there’s that cute kid, and Liam Neeson and Mr Darcy Colin Firth… it’s lovely, innit?
Well, yes. It’s lovely except for pretty much every single character in the movie.
Peter, Juliet and Mark
First of all, Peter sucks. He sucks because he wears that stupid purple suit. And because he doesn’t even GET OFF THE SOFA when a group of carolers knock on the door of the adorable mews cottage he shares with his brand new wife. “Oh, Christmas carols? You get it love, I’ll just finish watching Masterchef.”
Mark sucks because in what world is it even a little bit okay to basically go to your best friend’s wife and say, “I love you but I know you’re not into me, but look at my romantic cue cards anyway, so basically it’s your loss.”
Just FYI, it’s not “enough” to turn up on your best friend’s doorstep and throw a grenade in the middle of his newlywed bliss. It’s a lack of boundaries at best, creepy stalking at worst. Oh but so long as you’re “telling the truth” it’s okay, right? Ugh.
Just FYI, not saying anything and keeping an infatuation to yourself? That’s okay, too.
But Juliet – who in every other way appears devoid of personality – kisses him. So now you and your best friend’s wife have a shady secret that would crush him if he knew about it. Awesome work, guys. *SO* festive.
Also that scene where the kids titter at the painting of giant boobs and Mark mutters, “It’s art, ACTUALLY,” makes me want to punch things.
Any film where Natalie is legitimately described as “chubby” and nobody says, “That’s ridiculous,” cannot be redeemed. If Martine McCutcheon in this film is “fat”, then I’m officially now one of those giant inflatable airships.
Also I struggle with the fact that the PM reassigns Natalie after she is sexually harassed in the workplace and never thinks to consult with her over redirecting her entire career, or even mention that it’s not her fault. Tool.
Jamie and Aurelia
“Shall we have a conversation and get to know each other? Like a date?”
“Nah, let’s just get married.”
This storyline makes no sense. They’re getting MARRIED when they’ve never had a conversation? That’s not romantic, it’s a bloody personality disorder.
Imagine – your friend is cheated on, goes on holiday and comes home a month later with some dude who doesn’t speak English and says, “We’re engaged!” You’d check them into a facility to have their head checked, wouldn’t you?
I’m not going to lie. I had to Google it to remember what Alan Rickman’s character was called in Love, Actually. Because all you ever think while you’re watching it is, “God, I wish I was as cool as Alan Rickman.” Or possibly: “Yeah, I still would.”
Despite this, Harry is a total tool. He isn’t tricked by his junior employee – he sees her seduction plan coming a mile off, and doesn’t move out of the way. He’s a dirtbag. Karen (his wife) should clearly leave his ass and set up with her best friend Liam Neeson.
Finally, that conversation Harry has with Laura Linney about why she should have get over herself already and have sex with Hot Karl? Total HR armageddon, just waiting to happen. Talking of which…
I know Hot Karl is basically eye candy and functions exceptionally well in that regard, but I have two issues with Hot Karl.
First, what amazing issue has stopped him from asking out the girl he likes at work for years on end? Wuss.
Second, what sort of guy finally gets together with the girl he likes from work, makes it to the bedroom, starts to get naked, and then PUTS HIS SHIRT BACK ON when she leaves the room for 20 seconds to make a phone call.
And then – when she has to leave for a family obligation – he’s like, “Oh well, that’s any hope of a relationship over, then.” Seriously? Like you can’t have a conversation about her family obligations and how a relationship might accommodate those? Idiot. Hot Karl sucks.
I fast-forward through this part of the movie, it’s so bad.
Like hahahahahaha Americans are stupid. Hahahahaha British people are so charming. Hahahaha let’s have an orgy like it’s totally mainstream. Haha… oh wait, no. It’s not funny.
This whole storyline feels stupid, and lazy. And as if it was added in because, “Hey, everyone loved him in those BT ads and we need to ensure the movie appeals to as many demographics as possible.”
Is it just me?
Disagree with me? Love Actually is playing on Sky Movies this Christmas. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you. (I receive free Sky TV services for the purpose of sharing occasional reviews.)