All things being equal, I’d rather be at Hogwarts.
I’ve recently been mainlining the Harry Potter movies with Flea (for the third time) and we both regularly sigh, and say, “If only…”
No matter how old you are, though, I think a little part of all of us wants to go to Hogwarts.
I mean, yes, it is basically the world’s scariest school for children, with an appalling health and safety record, and a curriculum that means you leave school qualified to do NO JOB EVER (“I didn’t do any maths, no, but look, I can turn this cup into a rat!”).
But being at Hogwarts would be unspeakably brilliant, and here are my top five reasons why…
1. No School Bus
When I went to school, I waited in the rain for the 6B, and then sat next to a fogged up window, sneaking glimpses at a shared copy of some Judy Blume book or other.
If I’d gone to Hogwarts, I’d have sailed across a lake to school, with someone holding a real fire torch to guide our way. Or, I’d have ridden on an invisible skeleton creature that could only be seen by those who have witnessed death. Come on! How freakin’ cool?
Ask eleven year old me what I would have wanted more – a kitten or a blue Cornish pixie? No contest.
Who wouldn’t want a small blue evil sidekick?
People who don’t know how to have fun, that’s who.
3. Magic Bags
One of my abiding memories of secondary school is lugging a backpack stuffed to the gills with exercise books, pencil cases, calculators and assorted teen essentials everywhere I went.
Except for that year when, inexplicably, plastic briefcases were a thing. But let’s not dwell on that.
Oh, and then there’s PE kit. And swimming kit. And on Fridays, a trumpet, for which I had precisely no natural affinity.
What I needed, obviously, was Hermione’s small satchel and an Undetectable Extension Charm which not only makes the bag bigger but also seemingly ensures it doesn’t weigh anything. Genius.
This would also have the bonus of making it WAY easier to sneak my baseball boots into school so I could change out of my boring school shoes after registration…
4. Time Turner
Hermione uses her time turner to go to more than one lesson an hour, but I can’t help but thinking it would be the most genius way to score a lie-in EVER.
Cold morning, don’t fancy waking up just yet? Not a problem, friends. It’s 4am – you’ve got hours left to snooze. I also can’t help wondering if the time turner has a reverse mode that lets you scoot forward through time to the end of a particularly brutal maths lesson.
It’s a magic stick that you can wave in the air and summon a glass of wine and a packet of crisps. I don’t see what there is to debate on this one, frankly.
How about you? Which fictional school do you secretly wish you could go to?
And if you’re going to say Mallory Towers, then you should know that MT is my back-up school, and I want to be in the dorm in the tower with the midnight feasts, please.