Puberty. Another parenting triumph.

cali6

My baby is becoming less of a baby, by the day.

When she goes back to school after the summer hols, it will be her last year of primary school.

I remember being 10. My friend Cheryl suddenly grew boobs and all the girls seemed convinced they could grow them too, if ONLY they did the right exercises. There was a terrible rumour about Andrew and Debbie on the sports field with a Mars Bar that I didn’t entirely understand, but I knew it was BAD. And there was the horror of a group viewing of the “Living and Growing” TV series in the school media room.

I wanted to approach the whole “growing up” issue a bit more positively with Flea. Honestly, it’s terrifying knowing your child’s lifelong sexual hang-ups could be caused by you saying or doing the wrong thing at this point. Talk about pressure! Lucky for me, then, that I can be relied upon to usually get this stuff 100% right.

Or not.

It started well.

We read “Mummy Laid an Egg” together years ago. Being a female household means Flea’s picked up the basics of sex, periods and contraception along the way, and we’re lucky to have the sort of relationship where she can ask me questions if she’s confused, or curious. Naturally, I’ve felt quietly smug at how well-adjusted it all feels.

Still, I know that might not be the case in another year or so.

With that in mind, I decided it would be an good idea to buy Flea a book – something factual, reassuring and positive – that would help her feel good about the changes that might happen to her body over the next year or two, or to check on things she hears at school, without needing to always ask me, or another family member.

At the local bookstore I found what looked like the perfect book – “What’s Happening to Me?” Flicking through the pages, it all felt very positive and reassuring, and pitched at about the right level for 10 year olds. All the basics – changing shape, spots, periods, breasts, friendships – were covered. It felt like a good book for Flea to have at hand just in case she wanted some sensible advice or information. I bought a novel for Flea about spies (see? Mum of the Year), headed home, feeling pretty good about myself.

That night, I handed Flea a bag containing both books. “I just want you to have this so you can read it if you think it might be useful,” I said, being SUPER low key.

Job done, parenting merit award earned. Nice pat on back in order.

Or so I thought.

That night, Flea and I were chatting while she got changed for bed.

“Thanks for the spy book, Mum, it’s really good,” said Flea.

“What about the other book?” I asked, adding, “Of course we don’t have to talk about it if you’d rather not.” 

“No, it’s fine to talk about it,” said Flea (and I inwardly congratulated myself on having this stuff down PAT. See how well adjusted she is?)

“OK. Was it interesting?”

“Oh yes. I learned a lot of things I didn’t know,” said Flea, nodding.

“Really?”  Obviously, my parenting technique is already paying dividends.

“Well, there’s quite a lot about boys that I didn’t know…. and I didn’t know that girls have wet dreams, too.” 

“Super…” Hang on… what??

I searched the dusty corners of my memory but I couldn’t recall ever being told that girls have wet dreams. Maybe she meant sexy dreams? Only that seems way more explicit than the book seemed when I read through it. What have I bought? Oh God. 

“Girls? Do they? Are you sure?” I asked Flea.

“Oh yes, hang on, it was in here somewhere,” said my daughter, confidently flicking through the book.

With a flourish, Flea held open the book at a double page spread of illustrations of all the ways a penis can look while still being completely normal. And some cheery text underneath all about wet dreams and unexpected erections.

Yes, friends.

I bought my daughter the WRONG VERSION of the book, and she’s now the most well-informed 9 year old girl on the planet when it comes to adolescent male development.

And if Flea spends the next 5 years waiting desperately for her voice to break, her beard to grow in, and her sheets to get wet in the morning, I have only myself to blame.

flea-2

 

About 

Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She's also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world's coolest ten year old.

47 Comments

  1. Nikki
    13th July 2015 / 10:29 am

    You numpty LOL. Still, at least she’ll be well informed on both sides of gender development thereby making her a great friend to both boys and girls. See what I did there? Spin, spin, spin…….

    • 14th July 2015 / 10:01 am

      There’s always a positive if you look hard enough.

  2. 13th July 2015 / 2:42 pm

    Oh I am so sorry but this has had me in fits at my desk, so much so that my (male, mid-20s to mid-30s) colleagues have all gathered round for a read too.

    POOR Flea. If it wasn’t bad enough that you cruelly named a child Flea [ 😉 ] you’ve now confused her for life about what to expect from her own body.
    Amber recently posted..This is NOT a Practice RunMy Profile

    • 14th July 2015 / 10:00 am

      I know, right? With the best of intentions, I have clearly RUINED HER LIFE.

  3. Liz Weston aka @TheLizWeston
    13th July 2015 / 2:53 pm

    I love you. That is all. x

    • 14th July 2015 / 10:00 am

      *takes a bow*

  4. Lindy
    13th July 2015 / 3:01 pm

    hahahahahahahaha

    • 14th July 2015 / 10:00 am

      #supportive

    • 14th July 2015 / 10:00 am

      I’m not sure whether this will make her v popular or v weird.

  5. 13th July 2015 / 4:01 pm

    Despite this being hilarious, I think you could actually be onto something here. I think there’s a lot to be said for the sexes understanding what one another goes through – especially during puberty. Does that happen in schools now? I remember being so well informed on the girl ‘stuff’ thanks to a Mum similarly open and helpful as you but when it came to the boys most of that was (incorrectly!) learned in the playground or at the back of the classroom. I still don’t know for sure if a boy really does wet the bed if you put his hand in a bucket of cold water when he’s asleep… I’ll have a fair bit of additional swotting up to do if our first baby is a boy!
    Ruth recently posted..Just the two of us – for nowMy Profile

    • 14th July 2015 / 10:00 am

      You’re quite right – I’m certainly not sorry Flea now knows about boy’s puberty, too.

  6. 13th July 2015 / 4:32 pm

    Haha! So funny! 🙂 On a serious note I’m currently putting a basket together for my eldest daughter with books, DVD s and pads etc, just so we’re ready. I also think it’s good to be well informed about what happens to the other sex too. Though I will make sure she has the female version as well… 😉
    Claire recently posted..Malta, We Love Malta…My Profile

    • 14th July 2015 / 9:59 am

      Gosh, I hadn’t thought about DVDs – really? which ones?

  7. 13th July 2015 / 6:42 pm

    When I read your blogs, it prepares me for what I most probably will be doing about a year later – totally know that I could have done this, and probably will do something very very similar. My daughter is year 5 next year, so you always warn me about my impending disasters one year ahead. That is why you are awesome, at least I *may* not do this. I say may coz well, there really still is every chance…

    • 14th July 2015 / 9:59 am

      Fingers crossed for next year, in that case!

  8. 13th July 2015 / 6:57 pm

    Hahahahahaha. Properly. Actually. Brilliant.

    I’ve been s super cool, laid back, talk honestly and openly about everything, parent too.

    I have raised the most prudish bunch of teenage girls in existence. Honestly. They have all concluded sex is disgusting based purely, so far as I can tell, on me saying it’s nice, enjoyable, fun and their parents still do it. And that I won’t shout if they do it.

    Snort.
    Merry recently posted..Racing for Life.My Profile

    • 14th July 2015 / 9:59 am

      I wouldn’t be surprised if mine was the same. I especially love the way how, in a sentence, she lowers her voice to say “penis”.

    • 14th July 2015 / 9:58 am

      Fair comment.

  9. 13th July 2015 / 8:54 pm

    Oh dear lol! I am dreading getting to the “chat” stage and now I’ll be pacing the book shop to make sure I get the right book!
    Mummy Vs Work recently posted..*Review* AirMotionMy Profile

    • 14th July 2015 / 9:58 am

      It is pretty hard to get it wrong, honest.

  10. 13th July 2015 / 10:12 pm

    Thank you, I needed this laugh today. Having said that, I actually think it’s a genius idea and I’m sure that’s what you intended from the start *coughs*. My girl has read the girl book but would be good for her to know about boys too!
    Stephs Two Girls recently posted..Three cheers for modern technology!My Profile

    • 14th July 2015 / 9:57 am

      Damn. I should have thought of that sooner. Yes. Yes it was all a plan.

    • 14th July 2015 / 9:57 am

      My parents, too.

  11. Mel
    14th July 2015 / 12:13 am

    Sally, you always make me laugh so much! How do you come up with all that stuff? Love the low-key present with both books in a bag. It really is great that the two of you talk so freely about all that stuff. I haven’t even started thinking about all that yet, but I still have time, right? My oldest is only 7 at the end of the month.

  12. 14th July 2015 / 7:10 am

    Excellent, I’m chuckling away this morning at the thought. I haven’t even thought about approaching the subject yet, mind you with junior school in September it’s shooting up the agenda!
    Mari recently posted..Very berry Pimm’s semifreddoMy Profile

    • 14th July 2015 / 9:57 am

      It’ll come around faster than you think!

  13. 14th July 2015 / 10:27 am

    Awesome! To be fair, when you title two such different books identically, and the only choice is blue or pink, I know which one my girl would choose. Pink is soooooo six!
    Helen recently posted..How to Rock the Period TalkMy Profile

  14. 14th July 2015 / 11:04 am

    My excuse would be…I didn’t have my glasses…I use that a lot now, kind of glad the eyes are starting to fail it’s a great excuse.

    Thanks for the laugh this morning, I nearly fell out of my chair. But the others are right, it’s a good idea to learn about the opposite sex. Now you have to go and get her the pink book 🙂
    Anne recently posted..A Day Out at Hatton Adventure WorldMy Profile

  15. 14th July 2015 / 8:26 pm

    Love this! Talking the talk with my 11 yr old this last few months so appreciate the context!

  16. 18th July 2015 / 5:44 am

    Haha Brilliant. My daughter’s science lessons take the form of theory then a practical session a few days later. She recently came home and said that they had done the male reproductive system in theory class that day…(small pause while she pondered on what she’d learned, I thought)… “but I’m not sure what they’ll do for the practical mum” – I’m sure your book blunder would have provoked far less anxiety as she sat there working out whose penis she was going to have to witness at school – you’re a step ahead haha.
    Jay recently posted..This is a blog about life, whilst I have Breast Cancer.My Profile

  17. 18th July 2015 / 1:13 pm

    OMG, I can’t stop chuckling to myself. This is possibly the best blog post I have ever read! Can’t wait for the conversation in the book shop should you try to exchange it for the correct one.
    PhotoPuddle recently posted..‘Paris’ by Alejandro TejadaMy Profile

  18. 28th July 2015 / 4:14 pm

    Ha ha! Too funny….you’ll never get this pink/blue thing will you ;))
    We got the pink version when my daughter was about 8/9 a good read may I say. I shall be getting the blue one for the son very soon methinks! x
    Mary recently posted..The Flamingo’s Are Back In Action…My Profile

    • 29th July 2015 / 11:47 pm

      Serves me right for developing a “must buy blue” reflex over the years.

  19. 4th August 2015 / 2:26 pm

    Hilarious insight, I was laughing out loud reading this. We have another 8 years to go until our little girl will be Flea’s age – taking note!

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