What Boyhood reminded me about Parenting

boyhood

This weekend, we re-watched one of my favourite movies of the past year, Boyhood.

In case you haven’t heard of it, Boyhood is a coming-of-age story with a difference – filmed over 12 years, it follows the same cast through the boyhood of the film’s central character, Mason.

We follow Mason from being a six-year-old being raised by a single Mum, through his schooldays, to leaving for college. It’s perfect, it really is. One of those films that stays with you for days, weeks after you watch it; Boyhood is beautiful and nostalgic and epic all at once.

Of course, every story about boyhood is also about parenting – and I think it’s hard to watch this sort of movie without feeling wistful. Here are 5 things that Boyhood made me remember about being a parent:

Life moves fast.

There’s something pretty powerful in watching a boy grow up in a smidge under three hours. There are no big title sequences or obvious cuts between Mason at six, and seven, or twelve. It all just merges and before you know it – boom – he’s grown up. It’s a reminder of just how fast childhood passes by, and how children are changing with every single moment.

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Life’s not about big moments. It’s the moments in between.

It’s true – nothing much happens in this movie. It’s meandering and doesn’t tell you any big dramatic story or lesson – because life’s not like that. Boyhood goes out of its way to avoid so-called Big Moments – we don’t see weddings or funerals or first days at school. We don’t see explosive rows or terrible disasters.

What the film does is quietly show the moments between the Big Moments: small gestures, brief conversations: playing ball in the park, family dinners, walking home from school, fighting in the back seat of the car. These are the moments that make us who we are, and the ones we’ll remember years later.

Lately, I’ve wondered a lot about why I blog. What I have left to say. How my blog compares to others. I guess what I remembered after watching this film is that I don’t have to say BIG things, because little moments are what make our life what it is, and that’s what I want to look back on in my old age.

This really is it. And that’s okay.

There’s a scene towards the end of Boyhood where Patricia Arquette, as Mason’s mother, watches him get ready to leave for college. “You know what I realise? My life’s just going to go like that, a series of milestones,” she cries. “I just thought there would be… more.”

It’s a moment that I think really resonates with women – having thrown so much of our time, energy and identity into parenting, what’s left? What else is there?

It’s easy sometimes to think there should be more – it’s hard to resist those messages constantly telling us we need to be happy, confident, successful. Oh, and beautiful, sexy, smart and powerful, living in our perfectly styled homes with our perfectly devoted partners. I’m a sucker for this as much as the next person, and find myself occasionally confusing someone’s Instagram with their reality, and wondering where I’m going wrong.

There’s a great lyric in the song that provides the soundtrack to the movie that I think encapsulates it pretty perfectly: “Your masquerade… I don’t want to be a part of your parade.” 

Boyhood reminds us, I think, that real parenting is often hard, and banal – but that’s there’s poetry and beauty in that. You don’t need to spend life wishing for more, or better, because the notion that wealth or things can bring you happiness is an illusion we don’t have to buy into. Because so long as you have enough, life is pretty magical just as it is – if you can only remember to stop and throw your whole heart into those fleeting, everyday moments.

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Growing up isn’t just for kids.

At the start of the movie, Patricia Arquette and Ethan Hawke play pretty rubbish parents. She’s a young, single Mum struggling to manage in a tiny house. He’s a feckless pot-head who ran off to Alaska and didn’t see his kids for 18 months.

Over the course of the film we see them find their feet, make new relationships, learn new skills, and get to know themselves better. I loved the reminder that you don’t have to know it all, right away, to be a good parent. Growing up alongside your kids teaches them important lessons, too. Sometimes just the fact of showing up every day, being there to listen to your children, and loving them is nothing short of heroic. Making mistakes is just part of the journey.

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Family’s what you make it

Over the 12 years the movie covers, each of Mason’s parents forms new relationships, several times over. There are step-parents, step brothers and sisters, new grandparents, family friends. What I love about the film is it doesn’t make easy judgments – Boyhood simply lets us observe, through Mason, the way that his family changes and flexes over time, introducing new people who shape his life and personality in different ways.

Being a single parent can sometimes feel like you’ve made a compromise you can never make up for – but Boyhood reminds me that family isn’t just about kids and parents. That having people around your child who love them and support them and help to raise them alongside you is what family is all about – and there’s no single version of what that needs to look like.

If you haven’t yet seen the movie, then the trailer below might inspire you to download it next weekend. If you have seen it, I’d love to know what you thought – did you love it, or hate it?

About 

Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She's also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world's coolest ten year old.

18 Comments

  1. Andy
    26th January 2015 / 9:39 am

    Definitely, the live is a big school and we grow up all the time. I hope I am as good parents as my parents were for me.

    • 8th February 2015 / 11:53 am

      Thanks for the comment 🙂

  2. teacuptoria
    26th January 2015 / 2:07 pm

    Sounds like a beautiful film, I can’t believe I’ve never seen it. Before I watch it, I have two questions,
    1. I’ve been a single mum most of my son’s life…will it make me cry? (although most things do these days)
    2. Is it appropriate for a 9 year old boy too?

    Thanks for the recommendation, I’m always looking for nice films to watch together.
    x

    • 8th February 2015 / 11:54 am

      1. Yes, but not because you’re a single parent, it’ll make any parent cry. In a good way.
      2. No – because although the early days will be v entertaining, some of the teen scenes might be a bit much – I wouldn’t let Flea watch for that reason.

  3. 26th January 2015 / 5:27 pm

    I haven’t seen it but now I really want to. Family is definitely what you make it x
    Donna recently posted..Living Arrows – 4/52My Profile

    • 8th February 2015 / 11:54 am

      It’s a must watch.

    • 8th February 2015 / 11:55 am

      Oh let me know what you make of it.

  4. 28th January 2015 / 6:29 pm

    Oh I just adored this film!! I cried with her when he left. Did you know the sister was actually the directors real life daughter, she wanted to finish filming after some years I think, but he persuaded her to see it through to the end.

    Not many movies these days touch my buttons, and get me thinking, (I’m a fussy film goer) this one did, but oh wasn’t it a long one!
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    • 8th February 2015 / 11:55 am

      I did know about the sister, from the behind-the-scenes feature on iTunes, I thought it was such a clever way to ensure continuity. It’s a real stay with you sort of film, I agree!

    • 8th February 2015 / 11:56 am

      Excellent, let me know what you make of it.

    • 8th February 2015 / 11:56 am

      Oh, you won’t regret it, I promise.

    • 8th February 2015 / 11:56 am

      It’ll be so deserved, if only because – wow – what an achievement to capture a kids’ life that way.

  5. 10th February 2015 / 1:12 pm

    I watched this on the plane home from America before Xmas, having heard only a little about it – I knew it was filmed over the 12 years or so and that was about it. It was a nice watch, and I really liked the way that it didn’t have to be about the big moments.
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  6. 12th February 2015 / 11:54 am

    I loved this film so much. Especially for the fact that as you say it didn’t focus on the big things. It reminded my of French cinema where is all comes down to the everyday characters. Your post is a perfect summation of it all.

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