Newsflash: I’m not sleeping with your husband.

So I was chatting with a friend recently, who was in the middle of trying to organize a social get-together with the parents from her son’s class at school.

Turns out organising this kind of event is tricky – finding a day when people aren’t working, or don’t have other plans. My friend had suggested an evening get-together but the idea was shot down. Why?

Well, according to one of the school Mums, “all the single Mums will be there, all dressed up, you know…”

Seriously?

Seriously???

Newsflash, ladies. I don’t want to have sex with your husband. I’m a single, working Mum and by 10pm on a Friday night it’s about as much as I can do to crawl into the shower, much less crawl into bed with your fella.

Besides which, I’ve been married. And as it happens, it’s not an experience I’m in any rush to repeat. Imagine what co-habiting could mean for my mug cupboard system, for starters.

Despite this, it hasn’t passed me by that in four years of living in the small town where I live (where I think I might actually be the only single parent) I’ve only been invited to a handful of evening events. And half of them were at the church.

I have lots of friends, and they’re amazing and we have great play-dates with the kids, and Sunday lunches, and days out – but parties? That’s strictly couple territory.

I suspect this might change in about five years when some of the Marrieds in my town get divorced and my friends start trying to fix us all up with one another, like dysfunctional Stickle Bricks.

But it’s not like I’m hanging out for that. I’m not going into details on the Internet, for all our sakes, but I do okay in terms of what we might call “company”. I’m certainly not leaning out of the window with a telescope waiting to catch a glimpse of someone else’s man.

In the meantime, though, why are some women so scared of single Mums?

Are there really armies of single Mums out there with a hook and reel trying to snap up a new man? Or are we being unfair and losing out on friendships because of mistrust?

About 

Sally is a full-time blogger and founder of the Tots100, Trips100, Foodies100 and HIBS100 communities, along with the MAD Blog Awards. She spends a bit too much time on the Internet. She's also a very happy Mum to Flea, the world's coolest ten year old.

59 Comments

  1. purplemum
    25th April 2012 / 7:15 pm

    I hear you. It’s only because I have found a man willing to abide by my cupboard organising systems and the whiteboard of cleanliness that I co-habit. Yes I am a converse wearing, organiser/control freak who doesn’t do hugging. Yet at BlogCamp I was too intimidated to do more than stare and ask where the loo’s are. I don’t know , a blogger with social skills problems, who would have thought it.

    • 25th April 2012 / 8:41 pm

      Oh dear. Did I say hello to you, at least?

      • Purplemum
        26th April 2012 / 5:58 am

        I think so, thanks.

  2. 25th April 2012 / 6:52 pm

    No one single or married is queuing up to have special time with my other half!

    He would like to know where these single beauties are waiting to meet him

  3. 25th April 2012 / 6:54 pm

    You’d be surprised at the number of single parents (and not so single) who’ve got together in our school playground! Funnily enough we’ve been invited to our first school parents ‘party’ next weekend and they only other parents going are in couples. I wonder if it’s less worrying that a single mum might try and steal their man and more about worrying how a single person would feel in a room full of couples (not that it would bother me if I had a glass of wine lol).
    Cass@frugalfamily recently posted..The Thrifty Families Blog Carnival….My Profile

    • 25th April 2012 / 8:41 pm

      School playgrounds are second only to blogging as a place where illicit shenanigans begin, I’m convinced of it.

      But honestly, you know what? Being single at a party is WAY less miserable than not even being invited. That’s just rude.

  4. 25th April 2012 / 7:37 pm

    As a single woman I’m always bemused when talking to a married man at a social gathering and the wife comes over to put her arms around him, give him a big kiss, or just keep her hand somewhere on his body. Gestures that are meant to say – hands off, he’s mine, rather give the message – I’m not 100% secure about my marriage or I don’t trust my husband 100%. However, the first time it happened I was a bit offended.
    Midlife Singlemum recently posted..Idependence Day – Happy 64th Israel!My Profile

    • 25th April 2012 / 8:42 pm

      YES! I see this SO often. But for some strange reason, I don’t feel able to say, “It’s okay, I wouldn’t shag him if he was the last one on the shelf.”

  5. Vic
    25th April 2012 / 8:24 pm

    On the rare occasion I actually do the school run I have been known to check out the few dads who are in the playground. Let’s just say I won’t be using the playground (or any other gathering of playground parents) to find my next man.

    • 25th April 2012 / 8:42 pm

      Quite.

      Actually that’s not true. Flea’s school has quite a high proportion of relatively hot Dads. But I still don’t want to have sex with them. I think that this might be what middle age feels like.

  6. Sara
    25th April 2012 / 8:28 pm

    I have the other side of this I guess as I had a single mom from my daughters school actually ask my husband if he was happy and if he would like an affair with her. Bless my husband he pretty much ran from the school playground and refused to fetch the girls for a week he was so mortified.

    No seriously I believe she was one of a kind she did end up with another moms partner.

    I really do not believe every single woman is after my husband. In fact the only time I actually stress over single woman is when I’m envious of their freedom.

    • 26th April 2012 / 7:56 am

      Well, at least she was open – crikey, how awful!

  7. Jenni
    25th April 2012 / 8:32 pm

    My (married) friend was telling me about a stay at home dad that she arranged to go for a walk with, until he cancelled because his wife didn’t feel comfortable with it. Do no married women feel safe?! I love single mums, as I respect you doing so well what I only muddle through.

    • 25th April 2012 / 8:44 pm

      It’s funny isn’t it? I don’t get this so much with close friends – I have one friend who regularly sends her husband round to do heavy lifting and reaching of high things for me, and another who offers her husband for middle of the night medical stuff (he’s a consultant). But I must admit it’s rare for me to chat socially with a guy who’s attached – he needs to be DOING something. Or if there’s a work connection, I think it’s allowed.

  8. Cathy
    25th April 2012 / 8:37 pm

    I feel for you Sally, that sounds awkward.

    However I’d like to point out that if my husband is talking to a woman, single or otherwise, and I hug, kiss or put a hand on him, it’s not because I am trying to show that he is mine and give other women ‘hands off’ signals or that I don’t trust my husband or am insecure in my marriage.

    I just happen to love my husband.

    Just saying’

    Perhaps I’m very trusting but it’s never crossed my mind that any woman, single or otherwise, wants to have sex with my husband. Or maybe I just think he’s an uggo.

    • 25th April 2012 / 8:44 pm

      I think it’s lovely you want to touch your husband in public. Hang on, that sounds wrong. Oh, you know what I mean, right? 😉

      • Cathy
        25th April 2012 / 8:49 pm

        Better than touching myself in public 🙂

        • 25th April 2012 / 8:50 pm

          Actual LOL.

  9. 25th April 2012 / 8:37 pm

    I think Midlife Singlemum is right. Hubs takes the boys out by himself all the time and they seem to turn my generally average husband into a magnet for some single women but it’s never bothered me because I trust him. It’s become a bit of a running joke to guess how many women started a conversation with him in the supermarket or in the queue at Starbucks. Good to know he’s safe with you though, Sally.
    Cat (Yellow Days) recently posted..Tasty TreatsMy Profile

    • 25th April 2012 / 8:46 pm

      Really? I think sometimes women just feel a bit sorry for men on their own with kids and go out of their way to chat – it’s a reverse sexism, I think – I’m not convinced it’s because they want to shag him. Although I could be entirely wrong – the coffee shop thing sounds like it might be a go-er 🙂

      Oh – and pretty much everyone is safe with me except for the lucky few… (cough)

      • 25th April 2012 / 9:24 pm

        To be fair I think it’s mostly entirely innocent and he’s gutted he never got so much attention before he had kids!
        Cat (Yellow Days) recently posted..Stationery #NSDMy Profile

  10. 25th April 2012 / 8:54 pm

    I’m a bit gob smacked at this to be honest, I had no idea those kind of thoughts would even occur to someone but then if I am honest we don’t tend to do couples stuff too much. I either go out with the girls or we go out together.

    Mich x
    Michelle Twin Mum recently posted..Do you enjoy Kids Party Planing?My Profile

    • 26th April 2012 / 7:56 am

      Apparently, it’s quite common!

    • 26th April 2012 / 7:56 am

      Tsk. Claire…. *disappointed face*

  11. 25th April 2012 / 9:20 pm

    Errrrm how do people go out as a couple?? Doesn’t that need a babysitter? Is it just me who doesn’t have access to such things?
    Emma @mummymummymum recently posted..Action – The GalleryMy Profile

    • 26th April 2012 / 7:57 am

      I’ve heard a rumour they exist but I’ve never seen one myself.

  12. Scott
    25th April 2012 / 9:21 pm

    Well, I’m a married dad and I love my wife to bits. But whenever I do the school run it is true that I do essentially want to have sex with every mum in the playground (though not until after the bell has gone, obv – that’d be just wrong.) But to be fair, I basically want to have sex with every woman I meet, anywhere.

      • 26th April 2012 / 7:57 am

        This made the school run SO much more interesting today.

      • Scott
        27th April 2012 / 11:03 pm

        Apologies to all. Kinda. But just accept that men want sex and that dads don’t generally get as much sex as they did before becoming dads; and nor do they come into contact with as many ladies. Save for the playground… [*does Homer Simpson drool/gargle thing*]

  13. 25th April 2012 / 9:28 pm

    I think everyone’s different and that (sadly) there are some women (single or not) who do seem quite interested in the idea of going off and having an affair with someone else’s husband.

    A year or so ago I met a group of mums and found out that we had a friend (I’ll call her Karen to protect the innocent) in common. As soon as I mentioned that I knew Karen and her husband two of the women in the group suddenly launched into a long discussion about how good looking Karen’s husband was, how they thought he would be good in bed and how they weren’t sure as to whether or not he’d be prepared to cheat on Karen but hoped he would. I was gobsmacked! Especially since I’d only just met them and knew Karen and her husband quite well.

    Until that point I hadn’t even considered the idea of local mums wanting to steal other people’s husbands, but it has made me wary of some women, but, only a minority of them and to be honest I think of any of them did try something with my husband he’d run a mile – having to put up with two women at home already seems to be enough for him!
    Mrs C recently posted..Upsy Daisy’s SkirtMy Profile

    • 26th April 2012 / 7:58 am

      Cripes. Bit forward. Maybe it was just chat – I’m shocked because sleeping with married men is still REALLY taboo, isn’t it? There are not many women who’d admit to having done it because the judgment is still all on the women, really, isn’t it?

      • 26th April 2012 / 8:25 am

        I was stunned too and at first thought the conversation was just harmless banter – then it kept going and I realised that it wasn’t. These two women didn’t really seem to give a toss about things being taboo!

        My married life’s quite dull in comparison!
        Mrs C recently posted..Slow Cooker Beef AdoboMy Profile

  14. 25th April 2012 / 9:29 pm

    I’d love to see someone try and flirt with my husband. He’s so oblivious it would be worth it just for the comedic value!

    • 26th April 2012 / 7:58 am

      Arf. Perhaps you’re right!

  15. 25th April 2012 / 9:36 pm

    My dad died when my (very attractive) mother was in her early 40’s and she was dropped like a hot brick in the couples’ circles. Also, some of the married men who had heretofore been “family friends” started ringing her to take her out! Incredible.
    Expat Mum recently posted..Been So Long…My Profile

    • 26th April 2012 / 7:59 am

      Oh yes, absolutely – I remember when I split from my ex the number of journalism friends who popped round to “cheer me up” was quite something to see.

  16. 25th April 2012 / 9:44 pm

    To be honest I have found it’s the other way around. That men – sometimes even attached ones – assume you’re fair game just because you’re single. I’ve had two friends partners attempt to behave inappropriately with me. Both of them have been given short shrift. How dare they do that? To me or their partners? Dickheads.
    Gappy recently posted..Reasons to be singleMy Profile

    • 26th April 2012 / 7:59 am

      Agree with you 100 percent. Although I’m not quite so hardline on infidelity as I used to be. I think sometimes life’s complicated and people find happiness where they can. Easier for me to say as I’m not married, obviously.

      • 26th April 2012 / 9:53 am

        Well I would agree with that too Sally, in that I think there are worse crimes than cheating on your partner. I’m always very very uncomfortable with the viciousness shown towards ‘other women’ on mumsnet for example.

        I guess my outrage stemmed from the fact that they were attempting to cheat on my friends, and the fact that they thought I might be up for betraying my friends in that manner. It just really pissed me off because it puts me in such an awkward position, ie to tell or not to tell, you know?
        Gappy recently posted..Reasons to be singleMy Profile

  17. 26th April 2012 / 7:57 am

    Well, quite – my experience is it tends to be the married men looking for something on the side, not the single Mums looking for married men!

  18. 26th April 2012 / 9:38 am

    How ridiculous – do these people really think that their husbands are that desirable or that you have the slightest inclination (or time) for this – how terribly sad and small minded
    Muddling Along recently posted..Dairy free life – 6 months laterMy Profile

  19. The Young Mum Chronicles
    26th April 2012 / 3:22 pm

    I cannot wait for the days when I get to experience The Playground… at toddler groups all the women are too knackered to attempt affairs and I would be too knackered to stop my husband from having one. It works, for now.

  20. 26th April 2012 / 8:32 pm

    Dysfunctional stickle bricks. Brilliant.

  21. 26th April 2012 / 8:37 pm

    My other half has mostly female friends and lots are single, and I am not worried in the slightest about him running off with them as I am secure in my relationship. Maybe that’s just me. You can hang out with him whenever you like (although you may not want to) x
    the mummy adventure recently posted..Reasons to be CheerfulMy Profile

  22. 26th April 2012 / 8:41 pm

    I have even considered that single mums might be a “threat” to my husband. I mean, he goes to PTFA meetings without me, we must live dangerously.

    Then again, I go to governing body meetings without him with all those dads.

    Honestly though, what are some people like? I mean, it’s sometimes a consideration that single people might not be interested in coupley events cos they might feel left out but I’d never not invite a single parent. I don’t think we have too many in the children’s two classes, we must be the same stage as your town. Maybe it will be different in a few years.
    Kate recently posted..A round of thank yousMy Profile

  23. Carrie
    27th April 2012 / 12:36 am

    I, for one, wouldn’t mind hearing details about the “company” you keep. I’m happily married, but can’t find the time (or energy) to date my own husband at the end of a week, never mind anyone else’s, so any action you get…. spill it! 😉

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